So the past couple of days I have had a small fear gripping me... it's always been there but sometimes it speaks up and sometimes it doesn't. Considering where I am in my life right now (dating again) it's rearing it's ugly head but not making a huge impact. Just kind of staying present in the back of my mind... until last night, and until this morning.
One of my biggest fears in life is that I don't want to end up like my parents did, divorced, remarried, and still overall unhappy. My parents are wonderful, loving people but they have had a hard, hard life. I think they are on the road to being happy now, probably one more than the other, but it's been a long road. I know that life isn't going to be easy, the love is not easy, marriage is not always giggles and sunshine, but I do believe that you can have more great moments than bad, and that if you have the love of God in your heart and at the center of your life you always have the "right thing" guiding you that ultimately it will be ok.
Last night in mentioning this fear I realized a few things... 1. I am at a very different place in life than my parents were when they got married. Neither one of my parents knew or loved Jesus when they were married, they were about the same age as me but definitely didn't have the life experience I have had in my life so far and don't have the spiritual peace that I have found. 2. they had friends but definitely don't have the support group that I have now! 3. They didn't have them to tell and show me (even when I don't want to hear it) that something isn't right or nudge me in a different direction. My parents have always been the "let me make my own mistakes" people but will definitely let me know if there's a great possibility that I will not like the result of what I am doing.
The way God is working in all of this because HE is AMAZING. After admitting this very real fear last night I read my short daily devo before going to bed... Last night's title "God gives us courage"... interesting huh. One of the bible verses was "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9. Thank you Jesus for calming my heart. This morning, excited to read my devo because of last night, I got after it again. This morning's title "The past, present, and future"... hmm oh hey God. I hear ya! This quote was included in the reading today "There is only one minute in which you are alive. This minute. Right here right now." The rest of the passage was talking about using God's grace to keep us calm, give us wisdom, and comfort our hearts when we fear. One of the bible verses for today was "As for God, his way is perfect; the world of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in him." Psalm 18:30. Wow
Also this morning I listened to a sermon from Brentwood Church that I missed in August. The title was Growing Up and he was talking about fear holding us back. The take home message in this sermon... God redeemed us so that we can love like Him! Fear will try to hold us back but we must admit our fear and then fight it to find the love to help us move forward. When we are faced with fear and love we must always choose love!
God's love is fearless... will I live my life that way? I sure hope so but I know one thing for sure today. My God heard my fear, and without me even asking, gave me wisdom, grace, and comfort for my heart and soul to continue to reaffirm me that he wants me to pursue love, be stretched, and love like He does. What an amazing God.
If you want to checkout the sermon I was talking about here go to www.brentwoodchurch.org and choose listen online and Jon Dupin on Aug 14th. Enjoy!
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Oh what a difference
I've been a delinquent blogger lately... but I've been wanting to write about this subject for a while and today I was asked "Are you happy?" and it reminded me of how much I really wanted/needed to write about this....
Last year at this time I was miserable... I was broken, tired, sad, and questioning where I was in my life. It's unbelievable how in a year's time everything can turn around. Last fall was the hardest time of my life after loosing an athlete. I had been through some pretty hard things at that point in my life but this topped them all. It turned my whole world around, made me hate things I loved, changed my work dynamic, and made me question all the things that God had blessed me with that I had been so sure about. It was really a place in my life where I learned a lot, and learned how to truly trust and rely on God and prayer. If it weren't for Him I would not have made it out of the last year of my life as well as I have. While to this day I don't understand everything that happened and probably never will I do know a few things... God wanted me there that night, me and me alone. He had a huge plan for that event in my life and I see more come from it every day than I could ever imagine. My life will NEVER be the same and I will NEVER forget that night or the weeks and months following it. I was clearly reminded that I am part of an amazing community that is truly a blessing and I'm not sure there's a better one anywhere else in the world. Finally that "people do not live by bread alone" Luke 4:4 but by every word, action, feeling, and movement of God that He blesses us with every day. Only by completely and utterly trusting in Him and putting my life in His hands and saying Lord please fix this could I ever survive what I did and move on. It was a life changing experience and while it wasn't easy and it was pretty darn sad I am thankful for it.
One year ago my life was very different... I am so thankful for the warmth and happiness I feel in my heart today. How I feel blessed every day of my life. I am thankful for a job that I love, friends that I cherish, a family that makes me laugh and loves me unconditionally, a new adventure and possibility of being more than just friends... and most of all for a God who loved me enough to send His only Son to die for me. The greatest gift anyone could ever give.
Thank you to all who supported me, loved me, picked me up, sent me a kind word, and held my hand in the past year. You are all part of what makes life so wonderful.
Last year at this time I was miserable... I was broken, tired, sad, and questioning where I was in my life. It's unbelievable how in a year's time everything can turn around. Last fall was the hardest time of my life after loosing an athlete. I had been through some pretty hard things at that point in my life but this topped them all. It turned my whole world around, made me hate things I loved, changed my work dynamic, and made me question all the things that God had blessed me with that I had been so sure about. It was really a place in my life where I learned a lot, and learned how to truly trust and rely on God and prayer. If it weren't for Him I would not have made it out of the last year of my life as well as I have. While to this day I don't understand everything that happened and probably never will I do know a few things... God wanted me there that night, me and me alone. He had a huge plan for that event in my life and I see more come from it every day than I could ever imagine. My life will NEVER be the same and I will NEVER forget that night or the weeks and months following it. I was clearly reminded that I am part of an amazing community that is truly a blessing and I'm not sure there's a better one anywhere else in the world. Finally that "people do not live by bread alone" Luke 4:4 but by every word, action, feeling, and movement of God that He blesses us with every day. Only by completely and utterly trusting in Him and putting my life in His hands and saying Lord please fix this could I ever survive what I did and move on. It was a life changing experience and while it wasn't easy and it was pretty darn sad I am thankful for it.
One year ago my life was very different... I am so thankful for the warmth and happiness I feel in my heart today. How I feel blessed every day of my life. I am thankful for a job that I love, friends that I cherish, a family that makes me laugh and loves me unconditionally, a new adventure and possibility of being more than just friends... and most of all for a God who loved me enough to send His only Son to die for me. The greatest gift anyone could ever give.
Thank you to all who supported me, loved me, picked me up, sent me a kind word, and held my hand in the past year. You are all part of what makes life so wonderful.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Indian for a weekend
One of my favorite people in the world got married this weekend and just happens to be Indian! I've been waiting for her wedding since we were teenagers as she would tell me bits and pieces about what would happen and I find her culture fascinating in general. I was also lucky enough to be included in her wedding as a bridesmaid :) I am very thankful for the whole opportunity. When she got engaged I wanted to help but realized I had absolutely NO idea what to do so I offered support and help if she needed it. Boy was I in over my head more then I ever could have imagined. I ended up giving cake advise but that was about it! I have no idea what I pictured her wedding would be like but it was probably the most interesting thing I have ever been to.
It was a 4 day extravaganza as it started with mendhi (henna tatoos) on Thursday night. I'm a bit creative and wouldn't say I'm artistic but I am definitely crafty so I was excited to get my hands in this! One of my hands was decorated by one of her family members then I proceeded to decorate my foot with one of the designs in a book of designs she had. I contributed to Alpa's mendhi by writing her name and her fiance's name on the bottom of her feet just so she wouldn't forget. Her hands, feet, and forearms were completely covered with the artwork and she said that she didn't do as much as most people do.
On Friday I went to her "cleansing" ceremony as I like to call it where there were a lot of things going on that I still don't know about lol. The most interesting part besides watching all the Indian people because I was literally the only non Indian person there and in non-Indian clothing, was the part where all the married women get to wipe tumeric paste on her which turns her yellow! Apparently the men get to do it with their own families as well.
Saturday was an all day event with religious ceremonies and ending with a "welcoming party" which was basically a reception since she didn't want to have it after the wedding on Sunday when people would be trying to get home to resume normal activities. The most interesting parts of this day were her beautiful saris (Indian dresses), her make-up, the fact that people weren't really watching or paying attention to much, and that they announced that lunch was being served in the middle of the ceremony! I've never seen my Alpi so beautiful and Indians know how to do it up since she wore 3 beautiful outfits on Saturday alone! Her welcoming party was absolutely beautiful and was like a normal American wedding reception except it had Indian food and music. These people love to dance! I think maybe I'm India Indian instead of American Indian! The music was so fun and was a mix of American music, Indian music, and American music made Indian. I made new friends, ate wonderful food, and wore someone else's clothes! This was also the first time I met her husband and I love him! He was easy to talk to and fun from the first minute.
Sunday was the actual wedding. What does a bridesmaid do in an Indian wedding you might ask? Basically show up early, hang out with the bride, carry a candle to the stage, and then sit with her shoes off and watch for 3-4 hours. Oh and I did get to throw some flower petals at her too! It was a beautiful ceremony with lots of tradition. Someone asked me what the biggest differences were and I said really nothing was the same besides rings and flowers. If you ever have a chance to attend one of these ceremonies you should! It's definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity and no one really knows what's going on which is the funny part! People who are already married have an idea of what is going on but it still seems like it is chaos! My favorite part was when they had to walk around the fire 4 times and whoever sat down first is thought to run the household. My Alpa dominated that task! Another fun part was that her brothers pinned the groom's big toe down and wouldn't let him continue until he paid them so he could marry their sister. It was quite funny.
What was the absolute best part of all of this was that Alpa seemed so happy. I've never seen her with a man and it was really fun to see. Besides that I was really impressed with how nice, open, and helpful everyone was even though my friend Amanda and I really looked like we didn't belong there and had no idea what was going on. They ALWAYS made sure we ate haha, were so good about explaining everything to us, and even dressed us! We had so much fun making new friends and learning about new and exciting things. It was definitely epic and an unbelievable time! I'm sad that it's over but what a "bucket list" type of experience it was. It was like traveling to India without taking a plane. Which is the best way to travel ;) Also it brings up really interesting feelings and thoughts about interfaith and other religions and just how I really do feel about these things. Definitely alot to cherrish and think about after this wonderful weekend :)
It was a 4 day extravaganza as it started with mendhi (henna tatoos) on Thursday night. I'm a bit creative and wouldn't say I'm artistic but I am definitely crafty so I was excited to get my hands in this! One of my hands was decorated by one of her family members then I proceeded to decorate my foot with one of the designs in a book of designs she had. I contributed to Alpa's mendhi by writing her name and her fiance's name on the bottom of her feet just so she wouldn't forget. Her hands, feet, and forearms were completely covered with the artwork and she said that she didn't do as much as most people do.
On Friday I went to her "cleansing" ceremony as I like to call it where there were a lot of things going on that I still don't know about lol. The most interesting part besides watching all the Indian people because I was literally the only non Indian person there and in non-Indian clothing, was the part where all the married women get to wipe tumeric paste on her which turns her yellow! Apparently the men get to do it with their own families as well.
Saturday was an all day event with religious ceremonies and ending with a "welcoming party" which was basically a reception since she didn't want to have it after the wedding on Sunday when people would be trying to get home to resume normal activities. The most interesting parts of this day were her beautiful saris (Indian dresses), her make-up, the fact that people weren't really watching or paying attention to much, and that they announced that lunch was being served in the middle of the ceremony! I've never seen my Alpi so beautiful and Indians know how to do it up since she wore 3 beautiful outfits on Saturday alone! Her welcoming party was absolutely beautiful and was like a normal American wedding reception except it had Indian food and music. These people love to dance! I think maybe I'm India Indian instead of American Indian! The music was so fun and was a mix of American music, Indian music, and American music made Indian. I made new friends, ate wonderful food, and wore someone else's clothes! This was also the first time I met her husband and I love him! He was easy to talk to and fun from the first minute.
Sunday was the actual wedding. What does a bridesmaid do in an Indian wedding you might ask? Basically show up early, hang out with the bride, carry a candle to the stage, and then sit with her shoes off and watch for 3-4 hours. Oh and I did get to throw some flower petals at her too! It was a beautiful ceremony with lots of tradition. Someone asked me what the biggest differences were and I said really nothing was the same besides rings and flowers. If you ever have a chance to attend one of these ceremonies you should! It's definitely a once in a lifetime opportunity and no one really knows what's going on which is the funny part! People who are already married have an idea of what is going on but it still seems like it is chaos! My favorite part was when they had to walk around the fire 4 times and whoever sat down first is thought to run the household. My Alpa dominated that task! Another fun part was that her brothers pinned the groom's big toe down and wouldn't let him continue until he paid them so he could marry their sister. It was quite funny.
What was the absolute best part of all of this was that Alpa seemed so happy. I've never seen her with a man and it was really fun to see. Besides that I was really impressed with how nice, open, and helpful everyone was even though my friend Amanda and I really looked like we didn't belong there and had no idea what was going on. They ALWAYS made sure we ate haha, were so good about explaining everything to us, and even dressed us! We had so much fun making new friends and learning about new and exciting things. It was definitely epic and an unbelievable time! I'm sad that it's over but what a "bucket list" type of experience it was. It was like traveling to India without taking a plane. Which is the best way to travel ;) Also it brings up really interesting feelings and thoughts about interfaith and other religions and just how I really do feel about these things. Definitely alot to cherrish and think about after this wonderful weekend :)
Friday, July 22, 2011
Feelings and Emotions vs God's work
I've been feeling a lot lately coming from God... I've asked for a few things and have gotten what I believe to be clarity on them, I've mentioned some things that I was struggling with and then suddenly answers seem to appear, nothing is ever random with God, I know that but how do we sometimes sort out the "feelings" vs what God is trying to show and tell us?
We've been reading a book called Radical and it talked about taking all the showy stuff out of church, the music, lights, programs etc and seeing would you still feel God in the same way without all the stuff that excites your senses? I would like to believe that the actual message is why I have chosen to attend the church that I do and that I could do without all the other but is that really the case? I do love worship music and do sometimes get caught up in the way it moves me but is that really God or a placebo effect?
What I'm trying to say is I guess we have to trust when it's God telling us or guiding us vs our own feelings and thoughts that we are trying to make into God's. I like to think that many of the guidance I feel right now is coming from Him because it is definitely not thoughts or peace that I have had before and I started to gain clarity after a sermon a couple of weeks ago which really hit me hard and sent me back into regular and thoughtful prayer and devotion again. It was after getting back into my routine of time with God that this clarity came.
The only way I can remotely explain these feelings right now is God, and if it turns out it isn't then I will again fall on my knees before Him and He will pick me up and dust me off but until then I am going to keep trying to continue to listen to His gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) guiding and leading and see where He is taking me on this wonderful but not easy journey of life.
We've been reading a book called Radical and it talked about taking all the showy stuff out of church, the music, lights, programs etc and seeing would you still feel God in the same way without all the stuff that excites your senses? I would like to believe that the actual message is why I have chosen to attend the church that I do and that I could do without all the other but is that really the case? I do love worship music and do sometimes get caught up in the way it moves me but is that really God or a placebo effect?
What I'm trying to say is I guess we have to trust when it's God telling us or guiding us vs our own feelings and thoughts that we are trying to make into God's. I like to think that many of the guidance I feel right now is coming from Him because it is definitely not thoughts or peace that I have had before and I started to gain clarity after a sermon a couple of weeks ago which really hit me hard and sent me back into regular and thoughtful prayer and devotion again. It was after getting back into my routine of time with God that this clarity came.
The only way I can remotely explain these feelings right now is God, and if it turns out it isn't then I will again fall on my knees before Him and He will pick me up and dust me off but until then I am going to keep trying to continue to listen to His gentle (and sometimes not so gentle) guiding and leading and see where He is taking me on this wonderful but not easy journey of life.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Trust and Responsibility
Today our sermon was on responsibility and trust and as most of the time I listen to Pastor Jon speak, today I felt like this was exactly what I needed to hear. The punchline was "Next level reward requires next level risk and responsibility." Hmmm risk and responsibility... 2 things I very much dislike. I believe that I am very responsible with the tangible things of life like my house, my car, taking care of other un-fun adult things. I feel that I am semi-responsible with money and while I can't keep plants alive I am responsible for my dog who is has been alive and well in my care for 3 years now. The part of responsibility that I am not good with is the responsibility to be emotionally well, spiritually challenged, and to take care of myself. I am irresponsible when it comes to me most times. I really enjoy taking care of others and while I will take time for myself when I am completely done and exhausted lately I haven't been using that time correctly. I have been very superficial with my time watching tv or playing online. I haven't been reading, learning, praying, and doing things that will enhance my life instead of distract me from it. I am also guilty of letting new and interesting people distract me from my life... especially males.
Risk... ohh I am not usually a big risk taker. I am the cautious planner. Assessing the risk to reward ratio and making my move from there. While I am getting better at not over thinking things and taking small risks these risks don't normally involve the big fears of being let down, hurt, or stretched. Jon used some examples in church today as when you are trusting God you take the risk of accepting an invitation to something you are not sure about, or waiting and not settling for the now. Lately I haven't been spending enough time with God to be sure which side of the fence I am on if I'm going down the right path (which lately I feel that I am not) or if I am taking risks but are they the right risks or risks that are going against what God wants me to experience? So many questions and the answers are in patience and prayer (deep breath and sigh).
Jon asked us what we thought our "next level reward" that we are looking for is and I feel that mine right now is definitely a relationship leading to marriage. What do I need to risk and be responsible with so that God will use me and reward me for my trust and faith in him? And if I worry about finding someone and that I am getting older and am still single am I really trusting Him? I feel like that is not what trust looks like but it is definitely what our society tells us. I would like to think that God has given me this very strong desire in my heart for a family and that He will one day fulfill that place in my heart he has created but it seems very distant right now. I pray that I have patience, listen to his guidance, take the right risks, and am responsible with my heart actions, the hearts of others, and my time with Him so that one day I will be rewarded with the next level.
I do know a few things... I have wonderful friends who are instrumental in my community growing, stretching, and sharpening me into a woman of God and I am very thankful for that. Also trust doesn't always have immediate results... hence why I probably have a hard time with it along with some other reasons. One more thing, I love my Lord and Savior so much and I am committing to getting back to spending time with him because that's when I am happiest, most fulfilled, and He uses me the most for His kingdom because it's not about me it's about Him and others!
"Stop making excuses, looking for insurance, and blaming others." Jon - Thanks I'm on it! I <3 my church :)
Risk... ohh I am not usually a big risk taker. I am the cautious planner. Assessing the risk to reward ratio and making my move from there. While I am getting better at not over thinking things and taking small risks these risks don't normally involve the big fears of being let down, hurt, or stretched. Jon used some examples in church today as when you are trusting God you take the risk of accepting an invitation to something you are not sure about, or waiting and not settling for the now. Lately I haven't been spending enough time with God to be sure which side of the fence I am on if I'm going down the right path (which lately I feel that I am not) or if I am taking risks but are they the right risks or risks that are going against what God wants me to experience? So many questions and the answers are in patience and prayer (deep breath and sigh).
Jon asked us what we thought our "next level reward" that we are looking for is and I feel that mine right now is definitely a relationship leading to marriage. What do I need to risk and be responsible with so that God will use me and reward me for my trust and faith in him? And if I worry about finding someone and that I am getting older and am still single am I really trusting Him? I feel like that is not what trust looks like but it is definitely what our society tells us. I would like to think that God has given me this very strong desire in my heart for a family and that He will one day fulfill that place in my heart he has created but it seems very distant right now. I pray that I have patience, listen to his guidance, take the right risks, and am responsible with my heart actions, the hearts of others, and my time with Him so that one day I will be rewarded with the next level.
I do know a few things... I have wonderful friends who are instrumental in my community growing, stretching, and sharpening me into a woman of God and I am very thankful for that. Also trust doesn't always have immediate results... hence why I probably have a hard time with it along with some other reasons. One more thing, I love my Lord and Savior so much and I am committing to getting back to spending time with him because that's when I am happiest, most fulfilled, and He uses me the most for His kingdom because it's not about me it's about Him and others!
"Stop making excuses, looking for insurance, and blaming others." Jon - Thanks I'm on it! I <3 my church :)
Sunday, June 26, 2011
New Orleans
Last Saturday through Wednesday I was in New Orleans with 11,000 of my fellow athletic trainers! Wow was it an interesting time. If you've never been to NO know that everything everyone says about it and Bourbon street are true. Enter with caution! I recommend the riverboat ride and dinner, the food anywhere, the french donuts, and the ability to walk down the street with the alcoholic beverage of your choice. Other than that it's a lot of craziness.
The real reasons we were in NO were to learn, enjoy eachother's company, and have a little fun with not so much responsibility. It's the only time in an ATC's life where everyone around you completely understands and sympathizes with your life. It was a great feeling to have everyone A. understand what you do for a living, B. understand your hours, and C. be as passionate about it as you are. My friends and family love me very much but most of them have no idea what my job is about and many give me a hard time for my hours. I still don't think my mother really understands what I do to this day. I don't hold that against them but still sometimes it can get old. I absolutely love my job and have more good days than bad which is important and there's not a whole lot I can do about the things that I don't love. I can't change my hours and my hours aren't awful... they are just not normal.
Another wonderful part of this conference is that since no one else really understands athletic trainers besides athletic trainers is the family like community we have developed. You really forget how many people you know and love until you get to the conference and run into so many wonderful people and even meet more! It really is a family, and we take care of eachother, bounce ideas off eachother, vent to eachother, and offer eachother energy and encouragement. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful professional family :)
The real reasons we were in NO were to learn, enjoy eachother's company, and have a little fun with not so much responsibility. It's the only time in an ATC's life where everyone around you completely understands and sympathizes with your life. It was a great feeling to have everyone A. understand what you do for a living, B. understand your hours, and C. be as passionate about it as you are. My friends and family love me very much but most of them have no idea what my job is about and many give me a hard time for my hours. I still don't think my mother really understands what I do to this day. I don't hold that against them but still sometimes it can get old. I absolutely love my job and have more good days than bad which is important and there's not a whole lot I can do about the things that I don't love. I can't change my hours and my hours aren't awful... they are just not normal.
Another wonderful part of this conference is that since no one else really understands athletic trainers besides athletic trainers is the family like community we have developed. You really forget how many people you know and love until you get to the conference and run into so many wonderful people and even meet more! It really is a family, and we take care of eachother, bounce ideas off eachother, vent to eachother, and offer eachother energy and encouragement. I couldn't ask for a more wonderful professional family :)
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Summer
Life has been happening at an exponential rate it seems! The phrase "time flies when you are having fun" no matter how cliche that may seem! I can't believe that I'm three weeks in to summer already... Erin already got married, I've been to Haiti, I'm leaving for New Orleans on Saturday... as usual it's flying by! On one hand you want it to slow down because A. you don't want it to end and B. you want to experience everything to the fullest! but we can't slow it down just like we can't speed it up when it's dragging. I do need to slow it down a bit though because I need to continue to process all that I saw and learned in Haiti. I've been go-go-going since a day after I got back and have had a hard time fitting the processing in as usual. I start to say no to doing this or doing that but then I remember that come August I will be very socially limited until December *sigh* That's just life and I can't dwell on it too much. I am grateful and blessed to have a job, to love my job, work with wonderful people, and have summers off! I can only complain so much!
Well can't sit still too long! Gotta get going this morning!
Well can't sit still too long! Gotta get going this morning!
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